What No One Tells You About Anger
Do you identify yourself as the “people pleaser” and “peace maker” of the family? Have you felt like you were raised and have gone through life always trying to be a good girl or boy? Did you grow up believing that you anger is unacceptable and inappropriate? Were your told to suck your anger up and keep moving? Did you quiet your anger so your loved ones would not feel uncomfortable? Anger is a powerful complex emotion often misunderstood and misplaced. I have found that anger hold a potential for positive transformation and personal growth. I believe beneath the surface lies a profound wisdom to be unveiled.
As children, you may have received different messages about your anger. Some people tend to believe that the only way to let others know about your anger is by yelling or throwing things. You may feel that doing so is the only way to control the situation. Other people were taught to hold it in. You keep your anger to yourself, and that becomes the easy way to avoid conflict. Sometimes people express their anger with humor and sarcasm. You may say one thing but feel the opposite of it. Another times, people project their anger to others. Since you do not like to be in the spotlight, you may focus on other people’s shortcomings, so you do not have to deal with your own emotions.
Childhood experiences play a significant role in shaping the way you develop your ability to manage any emotions. As an adult, you may notice how anger has negatively impacted your relationships. The messages and the responses received by your parents and caregivers, including society, have a big influence on your understanding and expression of anger. Children who grow up in households where anger was discouraged or invalidated may learn to repress their anger rather that expressing it healthily. Repressed anger often manifest in other destructive behaviors as well as potentially learning to walk on eggshells becoming compulsive peacemakers. Children become afraid of all anger, including their own, leading to health issues, toxic relationships and experiencing depression and anxiety.
Children that witness anger and rage growing up may internalize the message that anger is uncontrollable and harmful. These children may struggle with regulating their emotions, leading to outburst of anger that can damage relationships and hinder personal development. As adults, they may fear feeling angry. Therefore, they hold their feelings in and create a cycle of negativity, perpetuating a patten of destructive behavior that becomes ingrained.
Anger can be seen as a catalyst for change. Behind anger there are many other emotions you do not usually verbalize such as shame, fear, guilt, sadness, embarrassment, resentment, etc. You are not used to exploring deep beyond anger. Usually, anger can show your deepest fears, insecurities and overall, unmet needs. Anger unveils underlying emotional wounds that require healing urging you to introspect and address unresolved issues. By embracing anger as an opportunity for self-reflection, you can gain profound insights into your core values, aspirations, and desires. This self-discovery process can lead to personal growth and self-improvement.
Recognizing and understanding the underlying causes and triggers of anger can help you respond rather than react impulsively. By cultivating self-awareness, compassion, and self-regulation, you can redirect anger towards healthy outcomes and foster healthy relationships. You would benefit from exploring what is under your anger. You can learn to communicate your needs and assert your boundaries effectively. If you are a parent, learning how to model constructive anger management technique such as effective communication, problem solving and empathy, your children will learn how to navigate anger in a healthy manner; therefore, they are more likely to develop emotional intelligence, leading to better interpersonal relationships and overall well -being.
My invitation to you is to give yourself permission to explore what is about the anger emotion that makes you uncomfortable and to keep an open heart to perhaps see anger as that part of you that has felt mistreated, abuse, or unappreciated. That part of you that knows you deserve love, kindness and support. Look into the messages you received as a child about anger. Ask yourself what is that you have not expressed that you keep repressing. What needs were neglected as a child, what boundaries are being crossed and what you learned about anger growing up. If you give it a chance, anger can be one of your best teachers.
Happy Healing,
Tatiana